Who knew

On a day like today, when the clouds drop little more than mist yet it's consistent enough to keep the world glistening wet, I often find my energy curling up around me like a big wool poncho. A bit itchy but the warmth fools me into thinking it's nurturing. Not today. Today my skin needs a little more breathing room - the energy needs to take a little walk and let me have a few moments with my hollow, receptive, open self. That self that has been quiet for a while. Who knew self-protection wasn't the answer today?

I shrugged this cloak a year ago or so, and opened up to new friends, new ideas, new questions. Like a dark church with sunlit doors flung open, the confined birds of old ideas stirred up a dust cloud as they flapped their way to freedom - my old ideas left in one swift, scattered moment. Some of them. Some of them I hadn't noticed in a while make their presence known now and then. They're still here. I must have left the doors open for they traipse in and out at whim. Who knew that my heart would hold onto so much...even that that doesn't serve me?

Letting my soulskin have a breath of fresh air heightens all sensations. I love more freely. I laugh more easily. I listen more closely. I speak more consciously. I question more quickly. I ache more deeply. I grieve more forgivingly. I care more openly. I doubt more readily. I do it anyway. Who knew that feeling more exposed could be so healing?

With dear friends on my mind - a vision of each one passing through my mind's eye - I want to reach out and offer what I have been holding back for so long - perhaps most of my life....back to that time right after I was most content spinning in circles in my sunday dress...when all the world was right simply by the nightlight across the hall. Now it's time to remember my offering. I don't even know what it is in full, but I will share it and open and ask "what can I do to help" even when i know the answer is "nothing". I think of YOU with babies growing like weeds, you deciding whether or not to have babies, you with children grown, you at your table writing and painting and weaving stories with your hands and am achingly grateful to you for the springtime of our friendship - for the sweetness you have offered me in our short knowing of each other. Did we make an agreement to meet up in this lifetime? To share stories of motherhood and sisterhood and wifehood and artisthood and seekerhood? You know who you are. Yes. You. Dancing for your babies, playing cards, weaving your ornaments, noticing the blue of the sky, writing poetry, stirring up laughter like it's your special family recipe - like no one else can, tending to your flock and your brood and your herd. Who knew you'd inspire me to offer my better self - a small and seemingly inadequate exchange for the opening you've inspired in me. Who knew indeed.

Comments

[Carolyn]

Oh Stephanie! Thank you that you share so much of yourself. I too agree with opening oneself, being vulnerable is worth the risk, only open can we receive, see, seek and know the connectiveness you write about. For me it's those very connections at every level that make life so exhillerating!

[Lola]

Yes, Stephanie, thank you. I am only beginning to shed my cloak and open my dark church. Beautifully said. Inspiration and encouragement can be offered and received in the most unexpected of ways.

[Lola]

Yes, Stephanie, thank you. I am only beginning to shed my cloak and open my dark church. Beautifully said. Inspiration and encouragement can be offered and received in the most unexpected of ways.

[wanda miller]

Yes & thank you again, Stephanie. I told a "negative, bring everybody down" person yesterday ( she kept touting that women don't reach out to one another enough)this story..12-15 women ran to hug and tell me sincere, loving words once after bad news fell on me. friends continued around the table with their stories. I wanted to say to this person.."unless you reach out with pure concern, no personal agenda, it ain't happenin' baby." i pray her journey shortens in finding how to love with no strings attached. love, wanda

[Eunice]

Beautiful! There are times when we all realize that we need to open up a bit more, to let the sunshine in. Last year was very dark for me, but with the new year, I made the conscious decision to let go of the grief, and to be happy. And, for the most part I am! That's been such a lightening thing for me. I have been more open to friendships, to new adventures, and to love. It's wonderful!

[Jen crossley]

How beautifully you write Steph,you made me feel happy today,I think we have to take a risk and open ourself up a bit we meet such wonderful people that way.We need to talk as women to open our inner most thoughts.To take a risk of seeming like a fool and ring someone to tell them how there book has totally inspired them.
Thank you for sharing
Jen

[elise]

wow!