Who I aren't

Forgive me for filling this post with more from our family photo session. I might do it again in the next post...and the next. :) 

The new year, for me, stared two days ago. Monday, after Christmas break, when the ponies are back in school. THAT is the new year for me. The few days in between it and January 1st are enveloped in that fuzz of time that is the holiday season. It's New Year's day, I know, but does anyone really feel like doing anything that requires much energy? Yes. I do. I feel like doing a whole lotta very little. Soft pants stay on, movies are watched, a new carmel corn recipe is tried, and every light on in the house still doesn't make it very bright in here. I remember we tried starting a tradition where we would go snow tubing every Jan. 1st. I'm not sure if it fizzeled out after only two years because snow is hard to come by = long drive to get some or if it's because it seems counter intuitive to the recouperating that needed to settle in before routine started up again. 

 

So here I am, six days into the new year, my dad's birthday, and I finally feel like I'm getting some momentum in areas that need it. I've been on the computer for days putting the (beginning) finishing touches on the new class blog, taking care of emails, retyping a very outdated family contact info sheet, looking at hundreds of our new family pictures and listening to some of my current favorite audio books. Today, for the first time in weeks...WEEKS...I spent some time out in the studio. I had learned to avert my eyes when standing at the kitchen sink where a large, revealing window exposed the aftermath of some horrendous tornado that had apparently blown through in there. It was time to face the demon of stuff, and today with my trusty timer clipped to my shirt, I gave it all I had in steady, focused, optimistic, 30 minute bursts spaced out by 10 minute bursts of doing something somewhere else in the house - like folding laundry. I was AMAZED by how much ONE thirty minute burst had accomplished and I was suddenly feeling excited about how much counter and floor space I might be able to reveal today. I'm pleased to say that the only unexposed floor (besides that of the winter resident lemon tree in a pot by the door) is a small space under a serger which will be finding it's way to a new home with my sister in law very soon.

 

I am energized by momentum. I find relief in not always needing to know where I'm going to still move. Move things, thoughts, air, space, old ideas. I shift them around, like one of those plastic puzzles where are the pieces are contained within a square frame and all you can do is slide them from one spot to another in turn. Just the movement of them awakens a sleeping energy that quickly, and with very little effort, lifts all the pieces out of the frame and into the open where I can toss and arrange and sort with new freedom of movement. My mind is like that. My thoughts are like that...the little plastic pieces...and when I get my body moving, the door to my mind opens somehow and i feel a breeze entering in to clear out the cobwebs.

I don't remember if last year, this time, I picked "a word" for the year. I'm quite good at resisting bandwagons (even if they are serving up some mighty good smelling viddles). I'm not even interested in perusing my past posts, reading through, deciphering if I did, infact, choose a word. Perhaps that means that whatever word was chosen, if one at all, either a) didn't resonate with longevity or b) fulfilled its purposed and quickly moved on. I'm sure there's a c and d in there as well...somewhere with the plastic pieces.

 

And I had no intention, mind you, of jumping aboard the word wagon this year either. Not that i think it's anything needing to be resisted, I'm just weird that way. And then, the past couple of days, I've had a word...rather two words, one phrase, blooming over and over and over again. I shook my head in disbelief/belief in synchronicity when I saw the phrase pop up in Katie's breathtaking journal pages. Then I laughed because, as one who has called her "my very first art friend" for years, I remembered who she is, the beautiful, stretching, opening person she IS, and thought "of course".

I've journaled about it  - the phrase - so much. I've journaled using it as a jumping off point, a way to get clear, a path to imagination and possibilities. But I never really thought of it before as, say, a mantra. Until this morning when I was trying to tame my inbetweenlongandshort mane of hair and the phrase popped into my head again...but this time as the ultimate tool (for me) to straddle the shifting ground of emotion and needs that come my way this coming year...and the rest of my life, for that matter.

 

What if...?

What if today holds the gift of productivity? What if today brings growth through struggle? What if, right now, I have a circle of support I never knew before? What if I fell in full on love with what I am doing RIGHT NOW? What if I am wrong about this. What if I'm not. What if my wild pony is just like me and that's why I'm so challenged. What if she's just like me and that's why I'm so blessed. What if the money flowed freely. What if we let go of everything. What if I saw Yosemite in spring. What if my good friend is actually my dear and treasured friend. What if I treated her like that. What if I was that key note speaker. What if I did a great job. What if I wrote that book. What if the family thanked me for it. What if they didn't. What if he hit rock bottom. What if he was just burying his feet deep into the soil so that he could really bloom. What if I knew...really knew...that who I am, right here, right now, is totally and expandibly whole.

What then? Who might I be? How might I act? What might happen? How would I treat myself?

You see, the "what if" for me holds absolutely no sense of doom. Quite the opposite. It's more like "I wonder.." A curiositly that opens doors to possibility. A question that keeps me from slamming the door of judgment on an old, archaic idea of the world and myself. I have been a student of methods to finding the way to self-love for so very long. A student. Rarely a practicioner. And within the full-mouthed blessing that asking "what if" is for me, right now, I'm fine with that because asking "what if" does not degrade, in any way, the past but rather opens the door of the now to let the light of being there in.

It has been interesting asking myself "what if" in this new light. It's loosened the ties of certain ideas. Like the ideas I've had about myself. Like how I've spent so much energy wanting to get clear on who I am that I never thought about the idea that who I am will reveal itself clearly and fully and naturally when I know who I'm not. It reminds me of when I was baking something and there were lumps in the cornstarch i had added. I sifted and sifted through the bowl with my hands to try and find all the lumps and then someone showed me how to gently shake the bowl from side to side and the lumps would rise up to the surface on their own. Every last one of them.

 

In knowing, for certain, who I am not, I see more clearly who I am. I've never really been one to claim who I am not - confusing the clarity of claiming with nailing closed a coffin. I'm not interested in dwelling on limitations and wallowing in lack. But this way of getting clear, is not - in this moment - a dwelling. It's a claiming. An honoring.

I am not one bound by a personality. I am not limited in my ability to learn. I am not subject to and controlled by my emotions. I am not bound to a certain amount of creative outlets (which, btw, I've wondered if I've maxed out recently). I am not one to fold-until-flattened underpressure. I am not one who gives up easily. I am not one who lets material gain and accolades supercede the care, keeping and light of my family experience. I am not the sum of my fears and my judgments limits of my current understanding.

And so what am I? That's what I'm opening to know. To know deep. Solid. Real. What if I'm all I need to be for what this day brings me? That, that would be amazing.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

Thought Threads starts this coming Monday (Jan. 11th). There's still time to sign up so check it out if you are interested in making room and clearing space in your mind for the light of insight to take root. You have all the wisdom you need. Right here. Right now.

ox

Happy New Year.

And happy birthday dad. These pictures are for you...because once I heard that the greatest gift a parent can receive is the gift of their childrens' happiness. I hope it shows.

Comments

[melody ross]

I LOOOOOOVE STEPHANIE LEE!!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jen]

some pretty gorgeous photos and equally beautiful words. thank you for sharing all of this. wow.

[judy Wise]

love the photos (all of them) but esp. two; you and Vince (Black & White) and you with the number seven. Wonderful, amazing, quicksilver.

[Greta]

Wow gorgous photos Miss Steph. The eldest wild pony is a real mini-me isn't she!!!!

[Cynthia of Cynful Creations]

Wow, great photos and an equally great and thought provoking post. Thanks for sharing. I love the picture of the 4 of you, one wild pony who looks just like her mom and one who looks just like her dad, and all who look like a happy herd together. But I especially love the photo that is a combination of a bunch of photos of the girls, that is so cool!

[wanda miller]

xxxxxxxxxoooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Riki Schumacher]

Wow, I'm speechless and have a tear in my eye. Wow. xoxoxox and xoxoxox What if I see myself better due to this post? That's a great thing! Riki

[Colette]

Miss Passion .. I am taking the class!

I have been able to write at my blog ever since I signed up.

Thankyou for that.

I think you had a great photographer who worked with sensitivity and captured such beautiful shots.

[Carolyn Warner]

As always, THANK YOU! Love the words, intrigued by the thoughts and grateful for your sharing. Great family pictures. I'm off to start my day, what if! Love it!
Happy New Year to you Stephanie Lee!

[A LeBaron]

What if....hit home...tears and chills...and a memory of a much younger me dating a very handsome cousin of yours reading a love note...the first of it's kind revealing deep feelings using the term "what if". Not just that but...it sings hope. Something i have been thinking about lately a hope of becoming and making dreams come true. Knowing that we have so much to share with and learn from each other to help each other soar. I think that's what i am feeling...the ability to soar. Thank you for putting into words what a very deep and spiritually profound being inside each of us has been trying to tell us all our lives. *HUGS*

[A LeBaron]

ummm, and not to down play the awesome photography...but beeeautiful sujects. Honey, you girls are gorgeous...you know how to "rock it". Nice work on all accounts. Very creative and mood setting.

[Angela]

You are all you need to be for what this day brings you.

Thank you very much for such a beautiful reminder of our wholeness.

You saved the best photo for the last: a surrealist protrait, how cool...

[Suzanne]

I love what you are saying in this post. The idea of "what if" is wonderful. It makes me think of another great word, "possibilities." If your writing here is any indication of the possibilities we will receive from your Thought Threads course, I'm even more thrilled that I made the decision to join you for the next month. I'll see you tomorrow, online.

[Eunice]

Love the photos...especially the one with the 7! I still have the 3 and the 0. Can't figure out a use for them, but just love the patina and age, and even the fluidity of the numbers. Hmmm, what if...?

[amy faldet]

Goodness you put into words all that I have been feeling and doing down to the dishes, soft pants and creativity kick start questions dear! I feel hugged by this post. Thanks for that. Blessings.

[Jodi]

Fabulous post, Stephanie! You have such an eloquent way of writing. I love how life such acceptance and spirituality. Embracing all the possibilities rather than getting boxed in by limitations.

Sweet note to your Father. I'm sure he sees your happiness radiating in all that you do.

[A LeBaron]

Lovely Steph, Do you mind if I feature you on and Artist of the Day on my blog? I want to start recognizing awesome inspiring people such as yourself. I will let you preview it if you would like.

[Jen Crossley]

Gorgeous post Steph Your photos are beautiful

[shelly yandell]

I love your site. I have it on my favorites and sign on often just to see what's going on. I get inspired reading and looking. I first read about you in Where Women Create. I often get random ideas just by reading things you have written...very inspiring! Thanks you for sharing.

[shelly yandell]

I meant thank you not thanks you:)