We're 23 days into the new year. Do you feel the promisingness of it still? Are you holding that tiny fresh air bubble that lingers of newness between the inbreath and the outbreath?
I hope so. I hope you have not let a crust form over the thought of a new beginning. No matter how many times you've told yourself that this year will be the year and it hasn't been, it's never not a good time to change your mind.
After 23 days of not being here, the stories I've been saving up to tell you whiz nintey miles an hour in the front of my brain like those spinning cables full of clothing at the dry cleaners. The ghosts in them all lean forward trying to get to the front of the line. Mom says that when you've been away from your journal for a while and the tendency to think you need to fill in the blanks of passed time, it's better to just start where you are.
Here I are.
I love the new year. Not just the one that on January 1st but also the new year I feel when the first Daffodils bloom and the one that I feel when my birthday rolls around in July. Then there's the new year that creeps cooly in when the ponies go back to school. While we're at it I also love Monday's and the first day after a long vacation (and the first day OF a long vacation.) I'll find any excuse to claim the start of a new year because, well, I'm a fresh start junkie. I've managed to drag out that feeling of fresh-startness darn near all month so far because, well, I've been kinda hard on myself for a while and I figured that now is as good a time as any to be a bit kinder to me (which includes gently closing the door to all I've let in from outside of me that hasn't been kind).
I love this place. This journal where I share with you and the thoughts bounce out from my head to your hearts and back again. This place is my "connection with the beauty 'out there'" journal and the paper one I write on nearly daily is my "connection with the beauty 'in here'" journal. I love them both and need them both. Without one, the other takes on too mighty an idea of self importance. Like it's all that there is in my world. I don't know much about archetypes and the zodiac and what have you but if there is an archetype or sign that is the embodiment of the need for equal connection to "out there" and "in here", I am she.
Sometimes there is a need for me to step into one more than the other for a while and this past month I've done just that. I've nearly filled a paper journal since my list visit on this blog with beautiful reconnection to myself I've been opening up to. I've doled out my energy sparingly and thoughtfully, opened my heart to that which I've been too preoccupied to let in before. I spent a weekend at the beach with women who are a gift to me beyond words. Deep, deep wells of compassion, understanding and encouragement. They helped me more clearly see the various vacuums I've been giving my energy to in the recent and not so recent past. I love seeing where I can loosen the bolts and leave the heavy load in the road behind me.
It's not just a month's worth of self-reconnection. It's three or four years of asking questions and my readiness to hear the answers finally converging. I'm shifting big in my heart when it comes to how I want to share my art, who I want to share it with, what words I will finally let spill on to paper, and the emergence of seeds of purpose that have been germinating patiently - though also feverishly - for a good long while. When the student is ready, the teacher appears.
This luxurious time with myself mostly in internal quietude has opened my eyes to places I've given my energy to that have been little more than vacuums. Relationship vacuums. Creative vacuums. Old story vacuums. I've been percolating for the past couple of years on some possible changes in where I put my energy and listened to how my body responds to those possibilities when I take them into my heart, breathe deeply, and let myself imagine each choice as it becomes evident. My body knows exactly what I need if I listen.
I've defined a bit of clear action. I'm gifting myself with the focus of living the Pareto Principle as much as I can. I'm honoring both my need for order and direction and my need for fluidity and openess to inspiration. I'll flounder, for sure, but every tiny move in the direction of honoring my energy is good and healing and expands into more of the same.
And so, in spite of a bit of uncertainty, I've made some decisions for myself, for how and where I give my energy in the coming year. I little part of me wants to think that it's something I should have done a long time ago except that I know better than to go there, really. I know better than to think that my idea of how "fast" I should be moving has anything to do with the condition of my heart and readiness. Then again, sometimes the only thing my heart and readiness are waiting on is for me to just make a move or to change my mind about myself. Probably mostly the latter.
Once I know that my decisions will not hurt my family - this is paramount - I step into them. I step into giving and receiving love of many forms. I step into being totally good with my progress. I step into the strength I have that keeps me from thinking I'm a victim of anything and blaming any person or circumstance for my discomfort. And the reverse is true too.
I love the feeling of trust. I love not needing to have a time line in place. I love the release of needing results now. I'm in that beautiful place of stepping out over the edge and knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that the invisible stone will become visible under my feet at the exact perfect moment. I don't always feel this way because sometimes I believe that what I hear in the vacuums is what is real.
Here is where I realize I am possibly sounding both vague and oracular at once. But that's just how it is sometimes. The known and the beautiful unknown colliding on my plate at the same time. A feast like no other. I'll let you know how it tastes as I dig in deeper.
Though it may seem a bit behind, I think there are exactly 365 days this year when I will be in love with this new year's list I found on The Dishwasher's Tears. I unintentionally memorized it right away:
- clean the house
- clean the body
- clean the mind
- get down on my knees in gratitude for every single second of my silly little life
- pray for us all
- expand my circle of compassion
- let go of everything I don’t need to keep dragging around
- accept myself exactly as I am
- i mean, really accept myself.
Amen.
