I've been fixin' to write a nice pretty post for a while. Today, it kinda seems like doing it will be just the self-inflicted therapy I need.
There's a wild pony in the living room teaching herself a new song on the guitar. Youtube tutorials roll across the tv screen and she sits cross legged, determined, with the guitar in her lap. In about an hour she'll come tell me that her fingers are sore and I'll sympathize and tell her it sounded great. Because it does. She learns quickly and her musical bent shines in moments like these.
She's home today. Not because she is sick but because she is officially a student of the local charter school. The past couple of days have been spent un-enrolling her from the local High School and I have to tell you, it was NOT an easy decision for me to support. I have great respect and admiration for her teachers and many of them are close personal friends who love and adore my pony and want grand success for her. Its hard for them not to see - and express - her choice as a cop out and this morning that came to a head. She and I sat in the car and talked about life and how it's not important to prove anyone wrong because sometimes in doing so, you loose clarity of the vision you have for yourself. Sometimes you just have to try something different, give it your best shot, and be able to truthfully evaluate it for yourself to see if its working or not.
This decisions means she'll be home most of the days. She'll be home, teaching herself stuff from books. I have labored over this decision because I knew I was not able or interested in becoming her homeschool teacher and the guilt, man. The guilt. It hasn't been easy for me to be honest and confident in my confession of this matter. I have all these weird ideas of what it means to be a "good mom". Theman told me the other day "you're doing a good job" (as a mom). It darn near both broke my heart and fixed it all up proper like it needed that day.
This girl of mine is a few months shy of 16 and she thinks she's supposed to know what she wants to do with the rest of her life (for crying out loud). We keep telling her that knowing what you want to do is so much less important than knowing who and HOW you want to be. She has this giant quilt of possibility stretched out in front of her and she's trying to figure out how to sew it all together in a way that will still work 20,30,80 years from now. She thinks ahead more than most kids...she's her dad's kid. He and I just keep slowly stitching (hopefully) unbreakable threads of centering. "Focus on being. Keep your energy invested in the development of your happy and purposeful self. You'll see the how as you go along. And don't worry, we won't let you get away with lazy." :) I need to hear it as much as she does. We all need to know we have people backing us up, giving us a little push, when we are tempted to be lazy. Lazy is dressed in all sorts of fancy clothes these days.
Now that I think about it, I haven't posted in a while because, for the most part, my life is pretty good and easy. My time is full of new and exciting things. I'm brewing up something that my soul has been aching to create and I feel ALIVE. I'm often not quite sure how to share that sometimes (without sounding unaware and insensitive) when there are so many people suffering. I'm less likely to say to the suffering soul "It will be okay" and more inclined to say "how can I help" and when I don't see a way to help, I am quiet. Our brothers and sisters on the east coast are fighting a valiant and steadfast battle for basic comfort and I am sending all my love in every moment. For what it's worth. As I see ways to do more that feel right to me, I'm so on it.
We all have our battles. We all have circumstances that weigh heavy on our hearts. I'm trying to keep a pony's head above water and water has taken away homes. It just goes to show that the scale of personal challenges is as broad and varied as it could possibily be and somewhere in all of that our job is to practice compassion, to re-invest in our ability to do hard things with integrity so that, if nothing else, we have light to shine.
Yes. This was just what I needed. I little meal of reflection. Now, for some dessert...videos of laughing babies on Youtube sound good. I need a good laugh.
P.S. On Wednesday, November 7 at 5pm PT/8pm ET, you can join me, Pixie Campbell, and Jess Greene in a live call all about taking personal creative retreats, I'd love to have you along!! By signing up you will receive a recording of the call, so go HERE to register even if you can’t make the live event.