I won't even ask where the year has gone, how it passed so quickly. It just did like it always does. Full, fast, and without attachment to what you did or didn't do.
The best part about the end of a year is the gratitude that inevitably washes over me when there are no more minutes left to convince myself I just might get "it" all done. It's just the end of this cycle and the beginning of another with not much really changing other than the number you write on your checks (if you still write checks) and the collective consciousness of starting fresh.
How do I want to flop over the fence, to drop both boots into the new pasture? I do it with optimism but not without pause. I look back to the vast field I just walked across and I see as much happened as didn't. The footprints I've left near every bloom are not as sunken in as I see now that they could be. I could have spent more time admiring each petal but even though there is always room to say "I could have been more present, I could have stood in wonder and awe a little longer" does not mean I was not struck straight through the heart with gratitude and love in that instant that the bloom came into my vision. So it's like a dance, right? Where there is always motion. Part of completing one move is transitioning into the next. Be present but keep on dancing. I see you, bloom. I see you and am jolted by your beauty and before I can tell you it truly, you are behind me.
How lovely to stand in the new pasture and see that the blooms are all still wide open, blazing color, not one bit offended that I am human and easily sidetracked. Thank you, 2012. Thank you for holding steady while I darted around in a frenzy half the time.
I have but one resolution for fresh-faced 2013. It is to do my best to let go of all the criteria I have laid out for myself to qualify as purposeful, happy, useful, focused, healthy, and enough. I'm even letting go of the infectiously promising idea of focusing my energy to manifest anything. It's a lovely idea, don't get me wrong. It's even a noble effort for sure. But for me, I can see that a laser focus on manifestation has, all too often, simply been another time-managing, circumstance-orchestrating, keep-busy-to-keep-from-feeling-stuck attempt to find happy. Or happier, anyway, because I am by nature quite happy.
This past year brought the most intense parenting blows to date and I feel pretty confident in saying that after a few failed launches, I finally GET the difference between parenting from fear (however well intended) and parenting from love. Guess what, you guys? They are not the same thing. Wowza. Not at all.
This past year I honored myself by meeting almost all my work deadlines on time or early, with the exception of just a couple and considering I had developed a habit of running behind that even I detested, this was a HUGE gift to myself.
This past year I found incredible peace that comes with the release of trying to be or not be something for someone because there are too many someone's with different ideas of who you should be or not be. And the hardest part was thinking I was, like, so not playing that game and yet I still got sucked in from time to time.
This past year I worked out more than I have in recent years and getting reacquainted with running and working my muscles has been lovely. I have no shame in admitting that regularly I hit the wall of lonely after a few weeks with each spurt and am still trying to figure out how to navigate through that. Alone. I'm not fit. I'm still a hot hormonal mess. I still don't like seeing pictures of myself and I still don't have any interest in taking more pictures of myself to get more comfortable with that. And it's all good.
So, who knows what 2013 will bring me?!
I may or may not:
-organize my house once and for all
-get out of debt. Finally.
-adopt a gaggle of chubby cheeked little Korean babies.
-balance my hormones.
-bottle/dehydrate/freeze enough food.
-totally kick butt with my new licensing contract
-appreciate my husband or tell my kids "good job" and "thank you" enough
-go to Belize
-get a real, grown up website that is as full of all that I love to share as I am in my head
-keep my inbox clean
-get healthy and fit and flat-bellied forcryingoutloud
-teach anything online
-stop complaining to those who are closest to me
-make a single piece of jewelry to sell. at all.
-write that book let alone read all the ones on my nightstand
-hike to Havasu Falls
-practice the guitar or piano as much as I'd like to
-see all the National Parks
-finish sewing my living room curtains
-grow a prolific garden
-stop comparing myself to others
-wear a belt
-laugh with my whole big mouth and not worry about looking like a fool
-dance with people. in public.
-draw you in with witty prose and captivating art
-take enough naps
-nurture my treasured friendships as much as they deserve
Regardless of what does and doesn't happen, I know something for sure:
This year I will do my level best to fully engage in the clumsy dance of being me and doing what feels good. I have no idea how this may or may not involve a planner, brightly colored post-it notes, morning journaling, brain-storming sessions, furious painting sprees, and domestic duties crowd control. It seems to me, FOR me, that putting less energy in trying to reinvent some wheel or climb to the top of some topless ladder is the only effort worth doing my level best in. For now, anyway. As odd as it may seem, it will take a bit of effort to stop efforting in all the wrong places so much. Simple. Too simple? Not if it isn't something I usually do. Even simple tasks take practice. Especially when it involves the release of everything I've held onto for so long.
So, Self...you with the to-do lists, the million reasons why you aren't quite good enough, the blaring mistakes, the wasteful habits, the average life, the lackluster feelings about your art and your personality and your ability to do anything grand...welcome to the beauty of all of it. I see you. I see your bold, Amazonian gate. I see your unquenchable thirst for knowledge. I see your unwavering desire - your neverending efforts - to be kind and good and encouraging and supportive. I see your loyal, steadfast love. I see your chakras, sparks firing, shooting the best of what you are in all directions. I see your willingness to be beautifully, exceptionally average.
And I embrace you with all the love anyone has ever embraced you with.
It's good to see you.