I've been looping through all sorts of busy-ness. Building and rebuilding, shifting and laying down the bones. In some ways, I'm pulling myself to the top of the flagpole so I can re-familiarize myself with my internal landscape. It helps to leave the baggage on the ground and bring only curiosity and non-judgment with me to the top. They're like binoculars. I'm making new stuff for me and new stuff to share with you.
This whole thing about following your passion or finding your purpose? It's an interesting conversation. It blows my mind to see what people create when they click with that thing that is their thing. It's like nothing is off limits. Writing soul-shifting books, making meals and beautiful homes and artful messes, going back to college, quitting the paying gig to create a non-profit, growing a ridiculously lush garden.
But for those who a) haven't found it yet or b) wonder if there even is an "it" to be found in their soul, all this "follow your passion" (or it's benign sister: "follow your bliss") can feel pretty heavy. That feeling of "I'm TRYING!!" can be tough to carry. (Maybe even worse when we think we found it and then after a time, we loose interest and therefore trust in ourselves and our ability to know ourselves. Elizabeth Gilbert speaks so beautifully about how curiosity is our friend when this happens. And yet...it still leaves me saying "Well yeah, but following one's curiosity can get tiring after a while if it feels like it's not "going anywhere". So...)
I don't necessarily believe in destiny in that we were made to come into life and do this thing that is going to fulfill us and give us that glorious feeling of purpose and connectedness. Believing that seems to have cause a lot of suffering for a lot of people. I also don't believe that we came here a completely empty vessel. One to fill with whatever purpose we decide is relevant enough to give our lives to (as if our lives didn't have seasons). Believing that seems to have caused a lot of suffering for a lot of people. Especially those of us who feel a pull but don't see always know - with blazing, passionate certainty - exactly what we are being pulled toward and what the heck we are supposed to do to know.
So with this as truth for me, it leaves in question "purpose". Following my curiosity feels like just a first step. A very important first step, but not the whole of the journey.
I believe that we are much more complex then can be satisfied by merely accomplishing or doing what we are curious about.
What if were weren't made to DO something but rather to FEEL something. Not the "what do I want to feel" kind of feeling that can often be temporary and as squirrelly as our moods. (It's a great thing to ask yourself, though. I mean, how else are you going to know if what your doing with your time and energy and creativity is bringing you to what you want?) But isn't it true that a lot of the time it's easier to know what we don't want to feel? Monkey wrench.
What if we were made to feel love, compassion, empowerment, connectedness and the ever elusive oneness instead of being made to DO any one thing? What if there were a hundred things we could do that would equally bring us to the holy land? Would it really matter how you got there? Would there have to be a thing that you would devote your whole life to? Would it really matter if it were through sewing or painting or drilling wells in India or campaigning for green energy or advocating for the voiceless or even "just" doing a really good job at your cubicle job making your little piece of the machine work smoothly because that feels really good to you to do?
I can't believe anymore that there is a hierarchy to purposeful pursuits. For me to believe in the hierarchy kills my joy, my curiosity, and even my ability to be happy for people who profess (and very well may have) found (or made/chose/created?) their purpose. I muffles my internal knowing and I doubt myself every which way from Sunday. Believing in a hierarchy feels like cultivating a breeding ground of the comparison virus and as long as I'm struggling with that, I'm missing the point of me. And I want to feel all the best feels. The joy, the curiosity, the I-am-so-freaking-happy-for-her because she has worked so hard and look at her awesomeness! The "Yes. THIS is what I want to build/do/create/try/explore.") I want to feel them big and wild and wide open for me to then be inspired to live my version of all that feel goodness.
It all might be tomayto/tomahto but it doesn't really matter if you have a good sea salt to sprinkle on top, right?
Carry on. Be curious...or not. Have a purpose...or not. If you can, trust that you are much more complex and glorious than any guidebook on how to find or make your purpose can tell you.