Recently I've been #vaguebooking about some big changes in my life and business. It's not that I don't want to tell you every piece of it. It's just that I don't know exactly how it's all going to unfold. There are some pretty incredible and specific possibilities on the table but it needs room to breath, opportunity to expand into what more it can be than even I can imagine. It feels really big for me and for my family.
I've been waiting for a string of stunning words to find me so I could do justice to the feeling but today is the day to get it down, workbooks and clumsiness and sugar cravings and all.
Here's what I CAN tell you: I have chosen into a full year of intense, laser focused business coaching and mentoring and life time membership into a dedicated, effective mastermind group of people way ahead of me on the "get out of your own way" curve. Not just phone calls - though I'm sure there will be plenty - where someone cheers me on and tells me I need self care or balance or better SEO (like, duh) but actual stuff happening. For me, with me. By people who know how to do it way better/faster/more effective than I know how to at this point.
But that's not what I came here to tell you.
For years a growing desire has been making itself more and more known to me. I have mentally tried on all shapes and sizes of possibility and a few things have resonated with my heart far more than the others. I have been consciously making choices to align me with those possibilities should they arise having no idea where or when they would show up for me. I knew it was my job to be the person I would be if I were experiencing those possibilities. I've been doing the grunt work of work (opportunity doesn't show up in a room full of stagnation.) I've been investing in belief. I've been investing in myself. I have been declaring to Allthatis that I am ready.
I chose into the coaching because it was the next right thing for me to do. I counseled with smart and kind and loving people about whether this choice was right for me or not and the answer I got was "Isn't this what you've been opening up for? You're so ready."
Yes. Yes I am.
I had three days to commit. I don't like rush decisions & I usually opt out if it's smells like an "it's a once in a lifetime chance" game. But I had to decide and this opportunity would always be available to me. Money was on the line. I had to decide if I was going to choose this for me now or not.
Those three days were so incredibly intense. I was in constant conversation with myself, playing out all the pros and cons, playing out the what if's, imagining worse case scenarios (I have an active imagination so worse case scenarios usually involve living in a tent with no people to call my own and being tortured endlessly by what could have been that wasn't. Canned green beans and no showers and an itchy scalp. ew.)
At one point I actually felt frantic, terrified, certain of my incompetence. I had a flash of a vision of me sleeping in, reading novels with not pressure of a to-do list, and generally living a very small, very quiet life. It felt like salvation, like a siren call, like the drug I needed. Every. Day.
And then it hit me.
That feeling of being so desperately drawn to the "small life" was my fear showing up in fluffy lamb's coat. She made herself appear so appealing, so comfortable, so safe. So exactly what I had loved and enjoyed for many years but have been growing away from in many ways because my soul was calling for expansion. If I had chosen into the allure of that particular safe life, I would have been writing "refused" on the package Life had delivered. The very package I had custom ordered.
How crazy would that be?
In that very moment of this awareness, I felt a huge surge of gratitude for being shown this truth before I had undermined myself. I fully stepped into the opportunity with total confidence that I was being given what I had chosen for myself a long time ago and that I have everything it "takes" to rise into it and be lifted by it. Every opportunity that hadn't come yet and every break I didn't get was all part of bringing me to this place.
I haven't regretted the decision for one second. A friend asked me if I'm scared. No. Not in the way that would indicate that i'm not ready for this. I am full of very active energy that someone could label as fear but it's actually anticipation to see how I will step up to this choice that will bless our family. It's desire. Desire to experience my visions for my life and creativity in real time. Desire to experience myself more as the visionary and less as the laborer. Desire for my influence and abundance to spread to others. Lots and lots of others.
I will labor, no doubt about that. I am willing to do the work. And I am so grateful for how I know I will get better and better at saying the best yes for me and my family.
If there is one thing that I could say I've had a little fear about, it would be in the arena of the "work life balance". It's been heavy on my mind.
"Will I be able to handle it? Will I pull it off?" and true to form, the Universe give me the assurance I needed by way of delivering a particular podcast into my inbox this morning. He doesn't know it, but Michael Hyatt was my salvation this morning. Just when a surge of doubt began to run through my veins, his words and insight were a gift. (I love all his podcasts but this one was the blessing of all blessings for me today. I listened to it twice, it's that good. Can I just say that I have HUGE gratitude for people who live their lives in such a way that allows such powerful work to come through them into the world??! Seriously beautiful!!)
I don't know what fear looks like for you, what comfort it promises and safety net it assures you. I would not even begin to say that "feel the fear and do it anyway" is the best medicine for us all, all the time. How would I know what Life has in store for you?
Fear can be a gift. Not in the sense that it keeps you safe but in the sense that it can tell you there's work you need to do. Fear can be the indicator of impending growth. Fear can be a call to rest, regroup, reevaluate. It seems like it comes down to what you do with your fear. What choices do you make because of your fear and who are you when fear is at the wheel?
That day I choose to invest in myself and the fear got quiet. She is likely to reappear - certain, no doubt - and I'm ready to learn from her and even more ready to be who I am without her calling all the shots.
